1000aybe you're one of those people who cringes when they hear the discussion "vulnerability." Maybe the very thought of existence more vulnerable nauseates you lot, conjuring upwardly images of holding hands around the campfire while you weep over how your best friend doesn't love yous like you love him, or whatever.

Well, I'thou here to tell you that vulnerability is far simpler, more mundane, and yet style more powerful than all of the preconceived, wishy-washy notions you lot might have.

Humour me for a moment—read through this list and tell me if whatsoever of information technology applies to you:

  • You consistently fall into boring conversation topics considering they're "safety" and shallow and you don't take to risk offending or inciting anyone with them.
  • You're stuck in a job or lifestyle you don't truly bask, because other people always told you lot that it was a good idea and y'all didn't want to upset or disappoint others.
  • You haven't exercised or clean-cut yourself to the extent that you lot could because you didn't want to stand out besides much.
  • Dressing extremely well makes you experience uncomfortable.
  • Smile at strangers makes you feel creepy.
  • The thought of request someone out openly scares you because of the possible rejection.

All of these are symptoms of a root trouble: an disability to make yourself vulnerable.

Many of usa weren't taught how to express our emotions freely. For whatever reason—peradventure our dwelling situation, maybe childhood trauma, maybe our parents didn't ever express their emotions either—we've grown up with habits embedded deeply into the states to go along u.s.a. stifled and bottled up.

Don't be controversial. Don't be unique. Don't do anything "crazy" or "stupid" or "selfish."

I was the same fashion. My entire young life I was terrified of anyone not liking me. The mere thought of someone hating me, daughter or guy, would literally continue me up at night. As a effect, every aspect of my life revolved around people-pleasing, hiding my faults, covering my tracks, blaming others.

This all may sound hokey and new-agey. Trust me, it's non.

Connecting with others in this style by being vulnerable—as opposed to overcompensating and trying to get everyone to like you—will result in some of the best interactions and relationships of your life.

Power in Vulnerability Cover Image

Vulnerability is a cornerstone concept in pretty much all of my writing, from dating and relationships, to finding a career yous bask, to connecting with the world effectually you lot—all of it.

It'south also probably one of the most misunderstood concepts I write about. And then I'one thousand hither to try to fix that.

Don't worry, I'm not going to make you sit around the campfire with me and sing songs about how keen we all are deep down inside… although, it might be just equally uncomfortable at times.

But I promise you this: it's worth it in the end. Trust me.

A lot of people—especially those who've spent their entire lives covering up their emotions—have a difficult time knowing exactly what vulnerability is.

It'due south understandable. A lot of behaviors that might look like displays of vulnerability on the surface are actually incredibly manipulative and/or needy, i.east., the opposite of beingness vulnerable.

Nosotros'll go to those soon, merely first, I desire to exist clear about what genuine vulnerability is:

That's it. You lot just freely limited your thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions regardless of what others might think of you.

This can be as simple as complimenting someone on how adept they await, approaching an attractive stranger you don't know, establishing clear and strong boundaries, or expressing your undying dearest to someone.

It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, maxim a joke that might not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, joining a table of people y'all don't know, telling someone you're attracted to them.

Practicing vulnerability really is as simple every bit simply doing these things. But while being more than vulnerable is simple, it's not always like shooting fish in a barrel.

That's because all of these things require you to stick your neck out emotionally in some way. It'due south risky and there are often real consequences to existence vulnerable.

Merely the key to true vulnerability is that you are willing to accept the consequences no matter what.

Silhouette of woman in field

You will offend some people. You will turn some people off. You lot might lose a friend or a client or a romantic partner.

Simply vulnerability is the path to true human connectedness. As Robert Glover said in No More Mr. Nice Guy, "Humans are attracted to each other's rough edges."

Prove your crude edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose your truthful self and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and movement on because y'all're the bigger, stronger person.

At present that you're thinking of embracing vulnerability and getting on that path to truthful human connection, permit me share with you some ways to exist more vulnerable in your everyday life. Hopefully, these examples will help you see the subtleties—and the beauty—of beingness more vulnerable, of exposing your rough edges to the world.

Admit You lot Suck at Something

Think about it: if someone is apparently bad at something—whether it's their golf swing or high-stakes business negotiations—at that place's probably nothing more cringe-worthy than when they openly brag about how good they are at it.

On the other hand, when someone openly admits they really suck at something, you'll probably end up respecting them more for it (equally long as they're non too desperate nigh information technology, of class).

If yous suck at dating, tell a friend almost it and ask for feedback on what y'all can do to get meliorate.

If you're not practiced at connecting with people at work and you think it's affecting your task functioning, tell some of your coworkers you're having a hard time and run into if they have whatsoever advice for yous.

The point is that you're not trying to be something that you're not. You accept who you lot are, faults and all. People will see this as incredibly confident beliefs and reply in kind.

Take Responsibility Instead of Blaming Others

Nosotros all know someone who ever seems to arraign someone else (or anybody else) for their bug:

  • The man who blames his "lying shitbag of an ex" for all of his current relationship problems. He'd be alot better off if he'd merely acknowledge that things didn't work out and that he was a bad partner at times and and then work to address that.
  • The coworker who constantly falls short of their performance goals and blames the culture in the function, or the economy, or basically anything but their incompetence. Just admit when y'all need help with something and find someone who tin can assistance you become improve.
  • The woman who blames all men—non but 1 man, simply all men—for her terrible dating life. As a general rule, if yous're trying to figure out if it's between half of the population all having the exact same problem or if information technology'southward, perhaps, just yous—well, I have some bad news: I did the math and information technology'southward extremely likely that it's you. Then beginning there.

The reason taking responsibility for your bug is so powerful is because it puts you in control of the solution. When you blame others, you're handing over control to anybody and everything around you lot and—SPOILER Alarm—you can't control everyone and everything around you.

You may not be to arraign for your electric current shitty situation, just stepping upward and saying that you're going to take care of information technology is a fucking power movement. A power movement.

It shows you're not fazed by external pressures to look, deed, or experience a certain style—that instead you have reality for what it is and set out to piece of work with what you have.

And information technology's a shining example of vulnerability because yous're proverb "I have a problem. I'm not perfect, but that's okay. I tin deal with information technology, and I will bargain with it."

Power in Vulnerability

Tell Someone They're Existence Hurtful/Insensitive

This 1 might seem similar an obvious style to exist vulnerable and should exist commonplace, but it's really non as common as y'all might remember. A lot of us try to put on a thick skin and just grin and comport information technology when people needle at our sore spots or are just being pricks.

It might be equally simple as someone who makes an offhand comment or joke about you lot or someone effectually you that went a little besides far. Or perhaps it'due south how insensitive your partner is sometimes (who might not know they're beingness insensitive, by the way). Or information technology could be the sexist/racist asshole at the end of the bar who won't shut up.

Calling them out when they truly cantankerous the line makes you lot vulnerable. You're making your feelings and opinion about that other person known. This is risky. Things could escalate. Some will take information technology more than personally than others. And some people might be annoyed that you're "rocking the boat" or whatever.

Just if you know what yous stand for and yous stand for it, then that'due south a powerful class of vulnerability.

Annotation, yet, that there'south a difference betwixt calling someone out for being cruel or harmful, and calling someone out because you lot disagree with them. The latter is bullshit and makes things worse, not better.

Tell Someone You Appreciate/Adore/Respect/Dearest Them

This might be the ultimate form of vulnerability, and it'due south probably the easiest one to mess upward likewise (more than on that before long).

This goes for simply telling another person you think they're cute, for letting your friend know y'all really admire who they are as a person, for expressing respect and love to your parents, and yep, fifty-fifty confessing your undying, never-catastrophe dear for someone.

All of these crave you to be vulnerable because you never really know exactly how someone else feels about you lot, which could mean their feelings might non match yours, which could create an imbalance in the relationship, which could change the dynamics of the human relationship, and on and on and on.

But earlier you lot blitz out and start confessing your undying love to the adjacent hot stranger you see, we need to talk near the fine line between vulnerability and emotional psychopathy.

And then, over again, a lot of people will read this and still not have a good grasp on what vulnerability truly is. Typically, the confusion manifests itself in one of 2 forms: one) using vulnerability as another "tactic" to get people to like you/find y'all attractive/sleep with you/requite you money/etc., or 2) using emotional vomit as a fashion to be vulnerable.

Let's tackle each of these.

Vulnerability Is Not a "Tactic"

A very common trouble people run across is that they see vulnerability every bit another tactic they can "use" on other people to get them to view them in a sure style.

They think, "Oh, OK, Mark says I just need to tell someone some stuff I don't normally tell people and and so they'll like me/give me a heighten/want to sleep with me/take children with me/etc."

Wrong.

If yous're telling someone nearly how you felt when your dog died, or your strained relationship with your dad, or how you really bonded with your friend when yous hiked through the mountains of Peru together… only yous're doing it all only to go them to like you more—well, that's not vulnerability. It's manipulation.

The problem hither is that information technology's not genuine, and therefore it's non vulnerable. Not only are you lot continuing to be false and inauthentic, only you're now whoring out some of your almost cherished life memories to try to get someone to similar y'all or even to slumber with y'all.

Congratulations. Y'all are officially desperate.

Genuine vulnerability is non about what yous do, it's all about why you're doing it. It'southward the intention behind your beliefs that makes it truly vulnerable (or not).

Are yous making a joke because you remember it's funny (that's being vulnerable), or considering you want other people to laugh and recollect you're funny (that's existence needy)?

Are you telling someone you're attracted to nigh your nerdy hobbies to simply share yourself with them (that's beingness vulnerable), or are you doing it to prove them your "sensitive side" (that'south beingness manipulative)?

Are you starting your ain business concern because you're sick of your twenty-four hours chore and you found something yous really desire to attempt out (that's being vulnerable), or because you read a book that told yous the but way to exist successful is to ain a business concern and you want to impress people (that's but fucking lamentable, man)?

The goal of real vulnerability is non to expect more vulnerable, it's simply to limited yourself as genuinely every bit possible.

Emotional Vomit And Vulnerability

The other outcome people run into is using emotional vomit every bit a style to be vulnerable.

Emotional vomit is when yous suddenly unload an inappropriate amount of emotions and personal history onto a conversation, ordinarily to the utter horror of the person listening.

Emotional vomit is hard because on the i hand, it is genuinely vulnerable, but on the other hand, it's repellent and unattractive. In effect, you're being open and accurate near how needy and pathetic y'all are. And whether hidden or apparent, neediness is never attractive.

So I get a lot of emails saying, "I was vulnerable, I went on and on most how much I loved my ex, and it turned them off. What gives?"

The difficulty with emotional vomit is that if you lot're harboring a lot of neediness, then it needs to come out somehow, in some way, for you to ever resolve it. This is what I refer to as the hurting period.

Vulnerable man with head in hands

I've emotionally vomited about an ex I had a few times to a few different people, and in well-nigh cases, it was met with pity and in the instance of women, turned them off completely.

The mistake people make with emotional vomit is that they expect the simple human activity of vomiting it out to suddenly prepare their issues. But the point of emotional vomit is to make you aware of your bug, then you tin fix them.

When I went on and on about what a lying stupid whore my ex was, all of that anger didn't fix my neediness. What it did was got me to see how angry and loathsome I had become without me fifty-fifty knowing it.

When we're isolated in the padded walls of our minds, it's easy to believe nosotros're justified in everything nosotros think or feel. Information technology'due south when nosotros expose those thoughts and feelings to the light that nosotros realize how far off track we've become, and it allows the states to readjust in the future.

And that'south what I noticed. I noticed that for how angry I was, I certainly wasn't nearly every bit "over her" every bit I thought I was. It was effectually this time that I got into therapy, which helped me realize that my anger at my ex went even deeper and was also related to problems with my family.

Eventually, subsequently more reflection and calming downward a bit, I was able to realize that actually, I had placed an inordinate amount of expectations on my ex and I hadn't been such a great boyfriend either. This effectively resolved much of the event for me, much of the acrimony for her and for women in general. But information technology was hard and painful to get at that place.

The emotional vomit gave me the awareness to do my healing, just it wasn't the healing by itself. Eventually, you have to go accountable for your ain thoughts and feelings and piece of work them out. If not, then you lot're just going to keep to be angry and frustrated, turning off everyone you come across.

If yous've been paying close attention, you've noticed that existent, 18-carat vulnerability represents a course of power—a deep and subtle form of power.

Brene Brownish talks virtually this in her book, Daring Greatly. A person who can make themselves vulnerable, exposing their weaknesses without any regard to what others volition retrieve, is saying to the world, "I don't care what you lot think of me. This is who I am, and I reject to be anyone else."

It's the backwards police force in action: in lodge to go more resilient, more formidable, you lot must first bare your flaws and weaknesses for the world to see. In doing so, they lose their power over you, assuasive you to live your life with more honesty and intention.

Opening oneself upward to vulnerability, training oneself to become comfy with your emotions, with your faults, and with expressing oneself without inhibitions doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. A grueling one at times.

Simply I can clinch you, if y'all put in the work—if you accept the difficult conversations, if you express yourself honestly even when it's risky to practice so, if you tell the world "this is who I am and I refuse to be anything else"—y'all'll detect new depth in your relationships. All of your relationships.

And you'll come out the other side unashamed of your flaws and who yous are.